Why I Quit Cooking for my Step Kids

My Craving For Approval Was Ruining Their Appetites

I hung up my apron and turned off the stove because I was sick of hearing two little voices say "I don't like it."  Before you give me the ever-present judgmental attitude, let me explain.  It's been a bumpy road along the way to familial bliss for my boyfriend, his two boys and me. Our modern family has been more broken than innovative.  I tried to show my love for them with every "kid approved" recipe written.  But instead of turning our table into a scene from "The Brady Bunch" I was left trying to cheer lead my meals into their mouths.  

Our worlds were so far apart.  They were scared I was replacing their mother; I had no interest in trying to parent some other woman's kids.  I was tired, rejected and hurt so I did the mature thing.  I quit kitchen patrol.

Letting go of desperately trying to win them over released the self-imposed pressure of having the boys instantly adapt to my cooking and me.  It freed them from feeling required to like something they didn't: my food.  Once the pressure was off, the boys started to come around.  There was nothing left to resist.  They even went as far as eating (I’m talking devouring) an entire pan of my homemade Thomas Keller brownies at a family gathering.  After all the family and friends were gone, and we had wiped the frosting off their little faces I realized something had changed.  Their hearts had softened.  Not with chocolate brownies, or my tenth try at Mac n' Cheese from scratch or buttermilk waffles (huge fail by the way).  I had won them over by just being me.  A few years have passed and I still get a few food requests from time to time.  But the pressure is off!  I have learned their mini little taste buds have nothing to do with their acceptance of me!

Do You Consider Your Husband's Ex as "Extended" Family?

Will and Jada Smith Talk About their Quest for Blended Family Bliss

Sure they're beautiful, rich and talented... but what I think is truly admirable about Will and Jada Smith is their willingness to talk about how they've struggled to achieve blended family bliss.  

The couple says they now see Will's ex-wife, Sheree, as their extended family (how COOL is that?!).  They realized early on a good home life for Trey (Will and Sheree's son) meant embracing and loving his mom! 

"Sheree and I both had to make that decision, because at the end of the day, we had Trey and that had to be the primary focus," said Jada. "So we had to put aside our own craziness, our stuff, all the baggage that comes with it."  "She and I just had to focus on, 'What does he need?'."

I had to go back and read that quote a few times.  How amazingly gracious of Sheree to forgive and move on and for Jada to welcome her husband's ex into their home.  They realized they couldn't live a full life and achieve their full potential while harboring bitterness and resentment.

Once we all let that go, As Will, Jada and Sheree have beautifully illustrated, we can move forward and live our very best life... even if it is different than the one originally planned!

Stepparenting: An Emotional Minefield?

A recent CNN.com article outlined what a job description for a step mother might look like:

Woman needed to raise someone's else's kids who will fight you and test you and might even hate you forever. You may get hit with unearned nicknames like Evil Stepmother or The Homewrecker. Job requires long hours over many years for no pay and little gratitude. Expect scant support from their father and possible enmity from their natural mother.

I think the job description should look more like this:

Woman needed to be a third party advocate for her partner's kids who will be challenging and may hate you at times but will also fill your heart with love. You may get hit with evil rumors from family "friends" and may even earn mean nicknames. Job requires long hours over many years and payment is deferred until children are much older. Must be able to demand support from their father and ignore negative feedback from their natural mother.  

How would you describe your role? 

Alicia Keys: Why Taking the High Road Paid Off

If you've ever felt alone dealing with your partner, step kids and a less than perfect ex let me assure you you're not! And to make you feel even better (or worse, let's be honest I don't know) the most accomplished celebs aren't even exempt from these situations.

Case and point: Alicia Keys.  She's topped the charts, met with foreign dignitaries and started an AIDS charity in Africa.  It's hard to believe she's privately dealing with her own blended blunder!  

To give you the back story... Keys' husband, Kasseem Dean (aka Swizz Beatz) separated from his wife Mashonda Tifrere in 2008.  That's when things got nasty!  The ex-wife wrote a public letter to Keys blasting her for having (an alleged) affair with Dean (a claim Keys strongly denies).  The letter "went viral" but Keys never made any public comment about it... until now.

“I was sure that if I engaged (her) it would become back-and-forth like some sick entertainment, which goes against everything I believe and would have made things worse,” says Keys.  She adds that her new family is in a good place with "the ex" even going as far as saying she's accepted as a "partner" in raising her stepson, Kasseem Jr.

"Things are really good now,” said Keys.  She also raises a good point that she is only part of the puzzle.  “Kasseem is very present in his children's lives (and) I wouldn't be able to love him otherwise.”

This leaves me wondering... what can I do to take the high road today?

What's YOUR Take on This?

Should People Involved in Civil Cases be Entitled to Lawyers?

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court says South Carolina's jailing of a father for failing to pay child support violated his rights because he was not given a lawyer or other help before he was put behind bars.

But the high court refused to say that states are constitutionally required to provide lawyers for poor people in civil cases where a person faces jail time.

The court ruled 5-4 Monday for Michael Turner, a South Carolina man sent to jail for up to 12 months after he insisted he could not afford his child support payments. Turner had no lawyer, and claimed all people facing jail time have a constitutional right to an attorney.

The court declined to go that far but said there must be alternative procedures that ensure "fundamentally fair" hearings.